


Masterpiece

by bellemelody



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Art, Community: hc_bingo, Community: kink_bingo, Established Relationship, Fetish, Love, M/M, Muses, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-18
Updated: 2012-11-18
Packaged: 2017-11-18 23:47:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/566672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellemelody/pseuds/bellemelody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Yamashita meets Kamenashi he was reminded of an old song and realizes that, <i>honestly it can’t be fun to always be the chosen one.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Masterpiece

**Author's Note:**

> The title belongs to Madonna with her song “Masterpiece”  
> Fic written for je_ficgames 2012 :) 
> 
> I love my wonderful beta Belle! Thank you a lot for your advices and help!
> 
> Many thanks to Gina, who helped me with first step, to Lulu who supported me during every step of writing this fic and to my friends who talked with me helping to undersdand all the things that I needed for writing this fic the way I wanted :3
> 
> Thanks to lovely harajukyuu for the beautiful banner :D
> 
>  

~Tomohisa~ 

The best achievement of Yamashita Tomohisa's life, without any doubt, is his owning Art Gallery, which is located in Roppongi. That wasn't the dream he had held all of his life, to have a place that is so popular in particular artistic circles and showcased the best pieces of contemporary art. Not at all and certainly not from the beginning, back when he was a young man, who had just finished his degree at a prestigious American University and returned to Japan on the top of the world. That just happened, and Tomohisa always was a man who accepted whatever happened in his life while he looked for advantages and bright sides.

His friends and even family often tell him that he is a very down to earth person, and they know he wants this gallery because it makes good money. At these moments, however, on Tomohisa lips appear a mysterious smile, (he was sure this smile looks exactly like the one _Mona Lisa_ has). He is a dreamer and he has big dreams that no one else will ever fully understand and believe. Of course the money part is great and very useful, but the feeling of new discoveries that he can make at this gallery, the time spent searching for new names and talents, all that prevails over the income. Maybe some uncommon name will appear with a great masterpiece and it will be he, Tomohisa, who will help mankind to acknowledge this piece of art, to understand its greatness.

In short, Tomohisa has ambitions and he knows how to play the game perfectly, to choose those artists who are happy to exhibit their art in his gallery and how he, as the owner, feels when all the amazing masterpieces pass through his hands. Maybe he can blame his ego for this, but Tomohisa believes that every successful man should have large goals and dreams, and should work to see them come true. No sand castles, only ones that can be built through hard work and opportunity.

Tomohisa pushed the main door of the gallery open, and reflexively threw a charming smile to the waiting young woman, who immediately recognized her boss and gave him an update containing all the latest information that he should know.

He was almost 25, when he realized that he had come to a turning point, one which would change everything and give some reason to his existence and pleasure to his aesthetical feelings.

Tomohisa knew the value of real art, he can feel it, can smell it. That was really difficult to explain to others, especially to his father who had big hopes for a more standard future for his son, one where he shone in the international business arena perhaps, but he has proved to his father that he can make perfectly good money selling Art, or even just showing it.

It was early and the gallery was almost empty, but in few hours it will be crowded. The long halls, with neutral walls, modern design and a nice atmosphere, everything will help people to relax and enjoy the arts, maybe buying a piece during the process. Nothing will distract the potential customers, and they will be supported by polite and attentive personnel, always ready here with a glass of expensive champagne, a smile and professional advice. He can be proud of this creation he has built with his own hands.

This evening, a party will take place here. A new star of the modern art world will appear and he, Tomohisa, will help him shine in the Japanese society and in the international arena.

He looked at the poster on the wall: “Akanishi Jin. Exhibition: _Masterpiece_.”

~

The gallery has become crowed. There are elegantly dressed women, some of them wearing extravagant hairstyles, because their individuality is too big to be contained and must be showed properly. Tomohisa is used to this kind of people now. The painters and artists wear extraordinary clothes that express their artistic direction. The critics and journalists are in brand new suits, and metallic glasses that frame their sharp eyes. The most valuable and important guests, in his opinion, are the potential customers. Some of them love art and appreciate the beauty and artist. Some of them know nothing about art, but are just the victims of the new century’s fashionable taste for art; they have money, so they should have some masterpiece hanging on the wall in their luxurious home.

Tomohisa has a friendly charming smile on his face, one that welcomes them all as he perfectly plays his favorite role of the lovely host.

He can hear the foreign speech around him and it sounds like music to his ears. Tomohisa has had the goal from the beginning to gain international fame for his gallery, to make it well known throughout the world. He did it, by traveling and visiting all the boring parties with these people from another world, people in love with art and people who know business and have enough money, who can make deal and spend hours and hours in negotiations, looking for new connections and new ways.

He has big hopes for this evening, after looking at the pieces of art created by this young sculptor, Tomohisa was captured. This was something new and fresh, the fusion of the styles, all the sculptures have very simple titles, deceptively simple as it was difficult to take your eyes away, simple and strong, because for example if the figure made from bronze called “First love”, when you first look at it, it’s first love right there in front of your eyes, in your heart, with all the emotions, beautiful tender lines, gentles curves, it makes Tomohisa remember his first love, and feel again the breeze from the ocean and the blue eyes that smiled at him.

Tomohisa never made mistakes, not in this business, and after looking at a few of Akanishi’s works, he was sure, that this sculptor will be successful.

Life is a funny thing, when he first saw Jin Akanishi at the meeting, where they signed the exhibition papers; he was nicely surprised, because at this unexpected meeting he discovered Akanishi was a person from his past. In high school they were classmates, not for a long period, just for a few months. Tomohisa didn’t remember all the details, just that Akanishi’s parent were also artists that travelled all the time, taking their son from one country to another, changing places and schools. The called each other by their first names back then, because for Jin it was strange to do it differently, after spending all his childhood in Europe.

He was different, always was and nothing has changed.

When Tomohisa shook his hand, saying with a smile that he is happy to see him again, Jin has a lost expression on his face. He has forgotten about those few months in high school, but he smiled back nervously. He always was a nice guy, maybe a little bit weird, but nice.

The low conversations around him continue, people are enjoying the exhibits and Tomohisa has finally found the hero of this occasion. The tall figure is dressed perfectly, his clothes are stylish and elegant, and his polished shoes are shining. He is looking exactly like a successful artist, someone who created all the pieces of art shown. He is tall and attractive, but his expression looks out of place, there is something childish in the way he is searching for someone in all these people, searching for something he doesn’t know, as if he is feeling a little lost.

“How is the evening going?” Tomohisa asks with a smile, and takes the glass with champagne from the tray of the efficient waiter.

Jin nods with a smile. ”Everything is perfect.”

“I’m glad to know.” Tomohisa chuckles, and drinks from his glass; he notices how the sculptor bites his lip, while his eyes still look somewhere out into the hall.

“Are you waiting for someone else? Because the journalists are ready and they want to ask you few questions.” Jin glances at him with a bewildered look that makes Tomohisa smile in amusement.

“This is not a test, like in high school, it's just a formality! After that we can open the party officially and enjoy the evening.”

Jin almost looks convinced. They are not friends, not really and a few months back in high school doesn’t mean anything now, but Tomohisa remembers that even back than Jin preferred to be in the shadows. He didn’t like the oral exams and refused to make a report for the history lesson; he would always stutter and get lost in his words. Tomohisa has no idea who he is looking for, but this person better be here quickly, they have only for a few minutes spare and Tomohisa likes being on time in everything.

The journalists are ready and the bright lights are now pointed at Akanishi. It's obvious that he is nervous, and Tomohisa sighs, thinking that one of the rules of an artist's success is the constant ability to make the public love you, to be friendly with journalists and meanwhile keep some mystery; people like it, that mystery in art.

"Akanishi-san, you called your exhibition “Masterpiece”, can you please explain what you mean by it?"

Good question and Tomohisa is quite curious also.

Akanishi pauses; it seems like his gaze is unfocused and he is still searching for someone behind the journalist's back, he rubs his nose nervously. Tomohisa feels sorry for the artist; it is obvious that he feels uncomfortable under the scrutinizing stares.

“What inspires me, my works … they are the part of my thoughts, part of me, this is not anything special, this is just me …”

He tries to smile, but another question comes instantly.

“Maybe you can explain the work that is the most special for you, explain what is the _masterpiece_ in your opinion?”

There is a hidden subtext in the journalist’s words, maybe even mockery and Tomohisa can understand the reason. It’s not common for the artist to call their own work a masterpiece; it speaks against him, making him look arrogant and very proud. Tomohisa has the experience of meeting so many artists, some of them have great talents, others are absolutely useless, but what he can see perfectly is simply this. Akanishi doesn’t look like an arrogant person, in this very moment he is tense and nervous and can’t explain the mess in his own head.

“I didn’t mean everything by any particular work, I mean something absolutely different?”

“What?”

“So…”

The nice voice interrupts the awkward and almost painful moment, because this is not the perfect press conference he was waiting for, everything is going wrong and someone should have told him before now how bad Akanishi is with speaking in public.

“Akanishi-san is trying to say, that the title of his exhibition is the exhibition. Please don’t suppose that he believes he has created a set of masterpieces, he is trying to convey his emotions about the whole world around him and about the feelings that are reflected in his heart. The masterpiece is what surrounds him, not what he has made.”

Akanishi smiles and nods to every word, before he adds in the end, “The masterpiece is what inspires me, my _Muse_.”

That was awkward; Tomohisa looks at the crystal clear eyes of the artist, thinking that the most talented people always have some strange moments in their outlook and Akanishi Jin is not an exception. He sees his hand, it grips another man’s hand now, and no one else noticed, just him.

The next part goes smoothly; Akanishi looks relaxed and the slightly scratchy voice of the unknown man that appeared so unexpectedly, speaks about the compositions and the ideas behind them, sometimes with a nice joke and smile.

The owner of the gallery is almost dying of curiosity now about the identity of this mysterious stranger. He could think he is Akanishi's manager, but during the negotiations he met his manager, a woman with sharp eyes and beautiful legs, he remembers her well.

The journalists aren’t surprised by this turns of events, and Tomohisa attentively examines the savior of this almost catastrophic situation. He looks good, elegant and relaxed in front of the bright camera flashes, his hair is light brown and long, almost near his shoulders, his eyeglasses, white shirt and black suit and that earring, that looks out of place with that kind of clothing, but somehow gives a stylish effect to his appearance. Tomohisa can swear he sees his tongue, when the man licks his lips and smiles for the next journalist’s remark.

Tomohisa is curious and he still remembers how Akanishi's hand gripped the stranger’s palm like he was seeking help.

Interesting.

~

“Kamenashi Kazuya.”

They are shaking hands and Tomohisa feels the brush of the small palm against his bigger hand.

“Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.”

Kamenashi Kazuya is a polite young man, with a nice smile and Jin is feeling the need to slightly touch him all the time. It seems he is doing it involuntary, maybe out of habit or the need to know he is around. Tomohisa remembers very well the panic on Akanishi’s face, when he couldn’t answer the questions under the pressure of the journalist's stare.

Very interesting.

They talk about the exhibition and how nicely the light is arranged, showing each of the works from the best angle. Some of them are made from bronze, some from marble, Akanishi likes experimenting with styles and materials and this is what makes his art so noticeable and unforgettable.

Tomohisa finds the way Akanishi found a title for each work to be ingenious, the effect somehow very simple and deep at the same time.

“I saw “The life”. It’s really amazing. I wonder who was your model? It’s a very interesting idea to show the neck with a pulse throbbing, showing blood moving in the vein, it’s so naturalistic, I look at that and wait , thinking that any second now the marble will move.”

“The marble can breathe,” Akanishi says with a smile, and puts a hand on Kamenashi’s shoulder and looks in his eyes, seeking confirmation.

“Sometimes, it can, maybe ...”Kamenashi chuckles in amusement, watching the artist.

One question bothers Tomohisa until the end of the conference.

“Jin, you said that the masterpiece is your muse, I’m really curious who was a muse for your ”Life” sculpture?”

Akanishi’s face brightens at the question and his next movement makes Tomohisa freeze. He touches Kamenashi's neck, trailing its length with a finger.

“It was Kazuya.”

For a moment Tomohisa is speechless and this state is very rare for him, he looks at the calm smile and Kamenashi’s face and just nods. The guy really has a pretty neck and now, alone with other parts of information that was given to him, he needs time to think.

Kamenashi just chuckles and smiles politely, maybe he is shy, Yamapi thinks, trying to understand what is meant by the expression on the model's face, when his boyfriend is declaring his love to the whole world through his work.

He spends the next part of the evening in observation; he feels curious looking at the couple and thinking about the Akanishi from the past. He doesn’t remember him having a girlfriend or even be interested in someone; he spent all their time on the rooftop with papers and pencils, creating something interesting and not understandable at the same time.

Tomohisa knows very well that among the artists in his world there are gays, but he never saw any that were displaying their relationships so openly, like Jin did it, feeling proud of the person near him, turning to the one who could convey his thoughts better than himself.

Tomohisa is single and with his work he could hardly find time for any serious relationships, maybe some romance here and there but nothing for very long and definitely no commitment. The looks in confirmation, the fast touches that no one else can notice and the feeling of comfort between them, that’s what he noticed during the evening.

He can understand Akanishi and his bluntness, because of his family background and the very original way of life of his parents, but Kamenashi was a mystery to him. It seems like it was impossible to read something in the polite smile on his face. He should feel flattered, being the muse and the model of the sculpture, if the exhibition is the collection of his different body parts, a collection of the way he inspires Akanishi.

It was difficult for Tomohisa himself to understand, this sudden level of curiosity and the need to put his nose in their business, or maybe he was just feeling curious about the life of his former classmate, or maybe that was just his gut feeling that made this strange urge rage inside him, he just wants to know more about them.

Because they are interesting.

~Kazuya~

Kazuya closes the door and unknots the tie at his neck, thinking about the look the gallery owner gave them when Jin had said that he is the Muse.

The Muse.

Kazuya doesn’t know if he should laugh or cry when he hears those words again and again, whether he should feel flattered or angry. Either variants take so much effort, so it's better if he feels nothing and does something more useful.

He stumbles over Jin’s shoes and sighs deeply. In the car Jin had a sudden inspiration and he couldn't wait even a second, and ran to his studio the moment they arrived at the flat, discarding his formal clothes along the way. Kazuya sets the pair of new shoes straight, the ones that he bought for Jin, in the same shop where he bought the suit and everything else, because Jin just can’t stand fashion or magazines and feel almost nauseated looking at the changing room. He's bearable only if he has some inappropriate ideas, ones that Kazuya knows he must nip in the bud after some very awkward situations.

“Jin! Are you hungry?”

Silence.

Kazuya decides to make something, because at the party there was nothing edible for him and he doesn’t like the aftertaste of the champagne, or maybe it's just that strange observing look from the owner is getting on his nerves.

“Jin! Do you know Yamashita? He talks so freely with you, like you know each other?”

Silence. When Jin is working it's as if he flies to another planet and is deaf to all the human voices and needs.

The day was too long for him, after all the troubles with transferring the boxes and making this new flat livable. Suddenly, Jin just wanted to change their place, because he needed a studio full of light and Kazuya managed to find this one. Big, comfortable, with big windows and a lot of light. Just a bit too big for two of them, but Jin didn’t care about the price, if Kazuya said it was ok, then it’s ok.

The building had security, just a few neighbors, and everything looks very attractive, which fitted Kazuya likes. They need isolation to feel comfortable. That’s what Kazuya thought.

Now sitting at the table meant for two persons and eating his dinner alone, looking at the free space, where Jin should be right now, he isn’t sure anymore what is comfortable for him. Today was really a big day for Jin, his exhibition; he was waiting for so long and was so nervous, that he couldn't even talk properly. Kazuya was glad he got there in time, Jin had forgotten his cigarettes in the car and he was there to fetch them.

He thought about Jin’s warm eyes, when he looks at him at the exhibition, about the hand that holds his tight. It is already seven years they have been together, exactly seven years from the day Jin kissed him in front of the whole University, telling him that he loves him and will always love him. Kazuya covers his face in embarrassment, even if he is alone in the kitchen and is just thinking about that day. Jin can be so painfully honest sometimes, so full of romantic rubbish, feelings that made Kazuya’s heart skip a bit back then.

This feeling and Jin’s confession can be very rare and sudden, but they always make Kazuya remember why they are together and what makes him love Jin so much, to the point of forgetting about everything else.

Everything.

His nonexistent career, his own dreams long forgotten and his family that will never accept their relationship. Kazuya has just Jin in the world, and today is their anniversary; seven years they have been together. He can hear the even sound of Jin’s instruments, the sound of marble being hollowed to transform it into something different, something that means a lot to Jin, and something that is as perfect as Kazuya for him.

Perfect.

Kazuya decides that for this big occasion, he should open a bottle of wine to celebrate.

“Happy anniversary, Jin.” He speaks to the empty place near him, and sips the wine in the empty kitchen, while in another room the next masterpiece is being created.

~

When Kazuya wakes up, Jin is sleeping nearby, just very close to him, with his heavy hand at Kazuya’s waist and the traces of dust from the studio on his nose. He looks cute when he sleeps like this, but it would be better if he took a bath after his work. The smell of dust and marble has become part of Kazuya's life. It is Jin, with his big smile, comfortable clothes at home and wild hair, looking at him like no one before did.

That was the reason, why Kazuya fell in love and that was the reason behind his doubt that bothers him, from day to day, again and again.

Kazuya carefully slips away from the bed, trying not to wake Jin up. He has a long list of things he should do and maybe it will distract him from his thoughts, just a little bit.

He finds the sculpture on the table, near one of the Jin’s favorite works, one that he refused to show at the exhibition, no matter what Kazuya told him and how hard he insisted, because this work was beautiful, truly amazing.

Kazuya touches with just fingertips the chilly surface of the marble, the soft lines and perfect shape, so many memories, this was first work, the first that Jin made for Kame, the first one. It is called “Confession”, because seven years ago, Jin said that he loves Kame through this sculpture.

That was so unexpected and confusing for Kazuya, because sometimes he has no idea what Jin is trying to say with his actions. Sometimes Jin is confusing and he hurts him and forgets about their anniversary. Kazuya sighs, sometimes because of his work it seems like Jin forgets about Kazuya also, too deep in his work and in his own world.

Sometimes Kazuya thinks that he just has too much free time himself, too much time to do all this stupid self-absorbed reflecting, he doesn’t know if he should feel offended that Jin forget about everything or maybe he shouldn’t because this is Jin, his Jin and they know each other too well and for too long to start doubting their feelings for each other. Kazuya repeats it too himself, preparing his breakfast and looking at the city from the big panoramic windows.

That was Jin’s “Confession”. To say so many absolutely embarrassing and wild words, that left him speechless and amazed, because Jin was brave enough to open his heart and be with Kazuya, for years, every day, hand in hand.

Kazuya has no right to doubt Jin, and he should not doubt himself either, he is the Akanishi’s Muse after all.

After breakfast he looks at his notebook, checks the long list of things he should do. Kazuya likes it when everything is in order, whereas Jin’s life was always just too messy, the same as his studio, his clothes, his hair and sometimes his thoughts, and Kazuya can’t deal with a mess. He like putting everything in its own place, where it belongs, his own life before he met Jin was scheduled in ten years into the future, his career, his work, maybe relationships sometimes. Jin crushed everything about that, not that Kazuya objected, melting in the beams of their new love and adoration, even if sometimes he feels uneasy. It’s not like Kazuya has low self-esteem, it's just sometimes he wonders what Jin sees when he looks at him that way, like Kazuya is everything, like Kazuya is special, like Kazuya is the masterpiece.

Jin is absolutely crazy.

So first, he must pay the rent and he wants to introduce himself to the owner. The flat is luxurious, and the owner lives in the same home, so Kazuya prefers to have made connections if tomorrow some problems will appear, such as if the neighbors will find them inappropriate, that Jin is maybe working too loud and too late.

Kazuya leaves the flat, the halls are big and bright, with big windows overlooking decorative trees, everything is designed to make people feel comfortable and welcomed, although the best alarm system available means that their security is also high level.

“Kamenashi-san?” He hears the voice and turns around to meet the owner of the gallery, who looks very surprised. 

“Yamashita-san?”

The other man comes closer with a friendly smile and they shake hands. This friendly smile, all the time plastered on his face, somehow look suspicious, Kazuya thinks, as if he tries too hard to be nice and friendly and he tries to understand why. It seems Yamashita is a perceptive man, who can read the atmosphere perfectly and he is not smiling anymore, not so bright and wide as just a few seconds ago.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m living here; we rented a flat here just a few days ago.”

“So you are my new neighbors? That is really such a wonderful coincidence! I’m very happy to have such nice company.”

It seems that the fact that Kazuya is living together with Jin doesn’t bother him at all. Kazuya decides not to answer his enthusiasm for having “such a nice company”, Jin is always working and Kazuya has better things to do, than talk with neighbors, as if he ever talks with them at all.

“I want to pay our rent, and am searching for the office of the owner here ...”

Yamashita has a wide smile on his face again.

“There is not any office at all. I’m the owner and you can talk perfectly easily with me about anything that bothers you here.”

“I thought you work with art?”

“I’m working with everything and anything that makes me good money.”

Kazuya can’t help himself and starts laughing, maybe he just had preconceived ideas about Yamashita, and he doesn’t really know anything about the man and judging him just from a few looks, well that is not fair.

“So I think I can talk with you if other neighbors will come with complaints about Jin's work? He has no stable hours and his inspiration is too wild to tame.”

The pause, because they both in the same moment think about Jin’s words' Kazuya was sure of that as he looks at the man’s careful eyes.

“Don’t worry about it; your flat has the best sound isolation, so he can work and create other masterpieces and you are always near to provide him with inspiration.”

So he knows perfectly well where they are living and as the owner he should know the name of the people who rent the flat, what was with all his surprised expression before? Or maybe he is working as an actor part-time? Kazuya smiles nicely, reflecting the smile on Yamashita’s lips. That man is interesting, without doubt and slightly getting on his nerves with his odd behavior.

“Jin hasn’t changed at all has he? He's still the same from the days we were in high-school?” Yamashita says with a nostalgic tone in his voice. Now it is Kazuya’s turn to feel surprised.

“High-school?”

“You don’t know? We went in the same high-school, maybe Jin just forget to tell you ...”

Yamashita talks some more about their time in high-school, and then mentions the good fitness-center near the apartment. Kazuya thinks that he hasn't talked with Jin at all after the exhibition, not even a word, maybe that’s the reason why he didn’t tell him, and maybe this is the reason he forgot about their anniversary. Looking at the man in front of him, who talks to him so enthusiastically, Kazuya asks himself with a touch of anguish, when was the last time he talks with Jin, just two of them? It seems he can only listen to the even sound coming from the studio all the time.

Kazuya closes the door with a thud. Silence welcomes him in their big flat. The door to the bedroom is open and Jin must still be sleeping. He has so many things to do, like sort all the bills and take care of the unanswered mails, and read the new offers. After the exhibition their inbox is full, full with congratulations, greetings and wishes to have a successful opening and maybe some critical opinions. Kazuya wants to sort everything, so he can show Jin what is really important and hide what might hurt him. It’s not like Jin can’t stand criticism, but some remarks make him depressed, because he realizes that sometimes people understand his art differently and not in the way he wanted them.

Jin can be very vulnerable when it comes to his work and Kazuya wants to protect him, because a sad Jin is almost unbearable for Kazuya’s heart, the corner of his full lips turned down and his look is so unfocused while he plays with his lover’s hair. These moments are precious in their own way, but still, it’s heartbreaking.

Kazuya looks at the photo in some newspaper articles, ones with Jin’s smile on the front page, and the article talks about a young successful sculptor that has his own vision and wants to create masterpieces, to show how his world is wonderful. The next magazine has the big red letters: “Talented or arrogant? Akanishi Jin presented his masterpieces.”

Kazuya sighs heavily putting that magazine in the trash, some people just can’t understand Jin, and he has a difficult time trying to explain himself, feeling lost and hopeless, like yesterday at the conference, like years ago at Kazuya’s parents’ house.

Jin can be so childish and naïve sometimes, just painfully centered on himself. Kazuya closes the laptop, thinking that the only thing he is doing today is trying to find excuses for Jin’s behavior lately.

It’s not like Jin had changed just today, he always was like this, too deep in his work to notice his surroundings, but Kazuya has never felt so neglected before and, in reality, he is not sure if he should feel it now.

The door in the studio is closed and Kazuya enter the big messy room with Jin's instruments, special materials, and some half ready works. Two times per week the cleaner will come to clean the flat, but Kazuya doubts Jin will let anyone enter his sanctuary.

Just a few hours and Kazuya is done with everything, papers sorted, letters answered, the studio is ready and the groceries are in the fridge, dinner is also ready and he sits on the couch waiting for the baseball match to start.

He poured some more of yesterday’s wine into a glass with a tall stem. This wine is special, Kazuya has bought it for a special occasion, but it seems he will drink it alone.

He looks around at the big room with expensive furniture and a big TV screen. Maybe he should buy a dog? When he was in high-school he had one, he remembers how the dog's tail wagged, waiting for a caress or food, how it welcomed him after school, but Kazuya knows that a dog will disturb Jin in his work and maybe it’s not a good idea after all.

Heavy footsteps and the sleepy man with a messy dark hair appear from the bedroom.

“Good morning,” Jin says hoarsely and Kazuya can’t help but chuckle.

“It’s evening already.”

“I’m hungry.”

“Dinner is ready. Just take a shower first.”

The traces from the materials on Jin's face are still there, some are even stuck in his hair, he looks funny and cozy, and for a moment Kazuya feels like he’s home.

Jin has already closed the bathroom door, when Kazuya answers the phone’s invitation.

The nice voice at the other end introduces himself.

“This is Yamashita speaking, Kamenashi-san. I will be happy to invite you both to have dinner with me, I think we can have a nice time and I would like to discuss the next stage of the exhibition.”

Kamenashi replaces the phone and considers which suit he will prepare for Jin, because he trusts Yamashita to choose a fancy restaurant. He hums as he heads to the cloakroom in anticipation of a nice evening, one not spent at home.

~Tomohisa~

The idea is very random and maybe Tomohisa just doesn’t like the idea of spending the evening alone, because it’s not entertaining and because the meeting this afternoon was too long and boring. Some moments of his work he prefers to avoid, but he can’t and the long negotiation meeting is one of them, in that list also are holidays at his parental house, because every time they try to find a good wife for him. Tomohisa doesn’t like to be restricted and even if the girl will be attractive and nice he will refuse to meet her again, just because it was his mother who chose her. Tomohisa is used to make his own decisions now.

He throws a last look at the mirror, checking the new shirt and his hairstyle; feeling absolutely satisfied with review and leaves his room.

He looks curiously at his new neighbors door, thinking it wouldn’t be too much effort to offer them a ride, because they are going together to the same place, because he feels like inviting them and because Kamenashi surely doesn’t like him yet and Yamashita finds it absolutely entertaining.

In the end he leaves the building alone, thinking that pushing too much too soon won’t make anything good happen, sometimes his friendliness is interpreted differently, as if he is just sticking his nose everywhere. He just wants to have a good evening, not observe the relationship of his neighbors too closely, but he is so curious and he has nothing better to do and Jin’s words don’t let go of him.

Kamenashi is a Muse, it's interesting what is so special about him, what Jin sees that makes Jin create his art.

Tomohisa decides to buy one of them for his apartment, maybe the sculpture with lips? That will look good in his bedroom near the Dali’s reproduction, he thinks.

~

Tomohisa likes this restaurant; it has a good menu, very professional staff and light music, and it's easy to feel relaxed and the separate rooms are available for VIP guest, just like them. He introduces Kamenashi and Akanishi to the couple invited to dine with them.

Nakamaru Yuichi and his wife Mariko. This man is a very important person in the world of art criticism. With just a few lines he could ruin the career of a newcomer. Nakamaru-san liked the exhibition and after his article he wanted to meet the sculptor to express his delight.

“Your pieces are wonderful and I must admit, your style is very fresh and new, nowadays people are thinking about art differently, sometimes creating only for the art market without thinking how valuable the real art is. The lines, the compositions, I checked your choice of materials and I’m very impressed by the quality.”

Nakamaru-san can’t hide how impressed and almost stunned he is after having seen the exhibition, and Tomohisa watches with a smile as the happy expression grows on Akanishi’s face. It won’t be a surprise if he even blushes, so flattered he looks, but Tomohisa thinks ironically that the man is too tanned and it will be impossible to see him blushing, otherwise he could be like a heroine in a scene from some old romance book, the kind that his mom likes reading.

He catches Kamenashi’s suspicious look a few times and thinks with amusement that Akanishi’s muse is very careful with his words, the brown eyes look at him heavily through the expensive brand frame of his glasses, like he knows perfectly that Yamashita enjoys his observations, feeling like a director of the circus where his trained monkeys are jumping just as he wants.

Tomohisa chuckles at his own thoughts, not really listening to Nakamaru’s long tirade about how expensive marble is nowadays and how important it is to have a good supplier.

“I don’t really know anything about my supplier, it’s Kazuya who takes care of everything, and he is like a magic wand for me,” Akanishi says with a small smile at the corner of his lips, looking so deeply in love, that Tomohisa throw a fast look at Kamenashi to check his reaction. To his disappointment, the “magic wand” just smiles with the same unreadable expression on his face.

“I can understand it; every artist needs a good helper, because the art is not just the result but also the hard work behind the curtain that no one really sees,” Nakamaru says thoughtfully and Tomohisa admires the ability of this serious man to find such exact words.

He wants to know everything about the “work going on behind the curtain” and mostly he wants to know how the Muse feels about being almost partitioned for the public, when their relationship is so exposed.

He sees the challenge in the dark hazel eyes of Akanishi’s boyfriend and he accepts it; maybe it’s easy for Kamenashi to read him, but he wants the same. To know how it feels, when you are the item of perfection for the artist, who doesn’t feel shy to shout about it, is that a moment of happiness or punishment to be trapped in a marble or bronze work of art?

Tomohisa follow the conversation absentmindedly and decides to pay attention when the expression on Kamenashi’s face changes, just for a second, but enough for him to notice.

“My wife is my cruelest critic,” said Nakamaru with a smile, “we discuss my work over and over again and her opinions are always very professional, no matter that she prefers growing flowers to following art.”

Nakamaru-san’s wife laughs melodically. “I’m trying to be helpful to my husband, because he is so attached to his work, that sometimes I feel he married his work instead of me.”

They laugh and Kamenashi regains composure, and it seems like Akanishi is absolutely oblivious to the little storm occurring near him.

“What about you Yamashita-san, when will you introduce us to your life-partner who will share with you your burden along your life-path?” Tomohisa snorts, thinking that Nakamaru-san sometimes talks like he is writing another review for his journal.

“I don’t feel like sharing at all, I prefer to keep everything in my own hands.” He tries to make a joke in reply and looks as a wide smile grown on Akanishi’s face. When Jin puts his hand over Kamenashi’s palm, so calmly and naturally that Tomohisa wonders for a second; if that is what they mean by having a life-partner and walking together along the life-path, and for a second this idea becomes very tempting and then, he remembers about the long divorce-process of his friend, the one who spoke of the same things once, and now the poor guy prefers to drink strong alcohol and write music.

Tomohisa is perfectly satisfied with his life so far, but looking at such warm relationships, he thinks that maybe this is what it means to be complete, to feel the other person near, to have his hand in yours and to immortalize this love in the art. To finish the sentence for your partner and know exactly what he is trying to say even if he can’t form it himself, to read each other by little details, to understand without words, because what he sees seems beautiful to him.

If once he will be lucky enough to find such a person in his life, maybe he will talk this romantic rubbish like Akanishi does now, who knows?

Tomohisa decides to join the conversation, he was the one that invited them after all and as the relaxing atmosphere develops they can talk about the possibilities of a new contribution, he has no doubts that Nakamaru-san will write a long and very complimentary article, but Akanishi deserve it after all, the guy has a talent for art.

The next days and weeks were so busy that Tomohisa rarely had time to exchange more than a few words with his neighbors. The new piece of art is standing in his bedroom now, it name is “Temptation” and has Akanishi’s signature on it and Kamenashi’s lips.

He likes sitting there before sleep takes him, just looking at his sculpture, trying to understand what Akanishi felt while he was creating it; he can see the fire and blood, the softness and invitation. The magic of an artist who is in love and can talk through his works, it may sound strange, but Yamashita understands very well the language of this art, the warmth that spreads inside, the lines and the words that are unspoken, but make you feel it's strength.

Akanishi Jin lives like a hermit, barely leaving his flat or maybe it's better to say he almost never leaves it at all, as he is too busy with his work and lives without any need to be touched by the world around, as if he created his own world inside the four walls of his home, full of light.

Tomohisa often sees Kamenashi, however, who is always busy and running somewhere, with letters at the post office, with papers to pay all the bills, receiving different deliveries, that must be the special material needed for Jin’s work, sometimes he sees him walking near the artificial lake that was the part of the complex near the building. Always alone, always busy and always with furrowed eyebrows, like he is feeling the weight of the observation and likes it not at all, he is always polite, but he never stops to exchange more than the usual words that are necessary to stay polite.

It is an accident that they meet at the café nearby and Tomohisa doesn’t want to miss this opportunity and invites Kamenashi for a cup of the coffee, it seems like the other man hesitates at first, looking at his watch like he is in hurry, but then he accepts the invitation and Yamashita can swear he see a flash of his tongue, when he licks his lips, and it reminds him about the sculpture in his bedroom.

“I hope you are feeling comfortable in your flat that one is the biggest in the complex and I’m glad to know it was you and Jin who rent it.”

Kamenashi nods, thanking him for his concern and assuring him that they are feeling very comfortable.

“How is Jin? I’ve rarely seen him; I suppose he is too preoccupied with his work?”

Yamashita asks with curiosity, observing the other man, who embraces the mug with a coffee with his palms, as if seeking for more warmth, he had looked so relaxed just _before_ the question.

“Jin … he is working a lot lately, something like a sudden inspiration that is too difficult to handle strikes and he doesn't leave his studio except for sleep, he barely remembers that he needs food sometimes.”

“And you are there to take care about details such as not letting him die from starvation?” Tomohisa raised an eyebrow in amusement. Kamenashi chuckles, and looks at his hands.

“Something like that, Jin can be absolutely hopeless, like a child and I’m trying to be always near.”

He throws another brief look at his watch.

“I remember him at high school, he always was different, not really understanding the rules and living at his own pace,” Tomohisa says thoughtfully, wondering if he can ask a few questions and not make the man freak out. He doesn’t want to be impolite, he just wants to satisfy his curiosity.

“I think he hasn’t changes a bit,” adds Kamenashi with a half-smile, looking out the window, where people are passing by, everyone too busy with their own lives to notice.

“How did you find each other?”

Tomohisa suddenly blurts out and realizes with vexation, that he doesn’t want to sound so strangely interested, it would be better be to ask how they met, but in his head it sounded perfectly logical.

He doesn’t know Akanishi and Kamenashi well enough, but what he sees between them makes him want to believe in all the sappy words from the old dusty books and from the songs that play on the radio in the evening, that always are about the same thing but just speak differently.

Maybe in this world full of irony and artificial smiles, there does exist this weird feeling that people call _love_. Even the mere thought of it make him feel embarrassed and he is happy the man with the suspicious look in front of him can’t read it, maybe that was a part of Tomohisa the dreamer, who always wanted to believe in feelings that elevated people, that gave them wings, that made them feel complete.

He still remembers the beautiful piece “First Love”, if one is able to convey such a strong emotion to another, isn’t it miraculous? Tomohisa wants to cover his face, because of this strange feeling that takes over him like waves. Maybe he was alone for too long and this couple gave him this small hope, that one day he will find someone who will make him happy, who will love every part of him.

It seems that Kamenashi is too deep in his thoughts now; oblivious to what is happening in his fellow coffee drinker’s mind.

“It was Tokyo University of Art, we both studied art there,” he says finally.

“So you are a sculptor also?”

Kamenashi waves his small palms dismissively.

“No, I’m not at all, I can barely draw and I'm afraid the marble will only suffer from my clumsy hands and ideas. I was studying the history of Art. I always was in love with this wonderful atmosphere of being surrounded by art and see how it’s created, I love to see how Art changes over the years. Human’s feelings are the same still, but they convey it differently. It’s fascinating.”

He was smiling, and now looks distant, like he suddenly remembers the days from the past, and he talks with such passion, with his eyes shining, and a smile plays on those lips.

“We met each other and I was taken aback but Jin, he was just everywhere, sometimes too much for me to handle, with his energy and this talent. He keeps telling me, that I’m …’

Kamenashi pauses and it seems like he was so deep in his thoughts that he forgets that he must be careful in showing his feeling.

This.

Yamashita understands what seems so difficult for this man before for him to express, Kamenashi all the time tries to suppress his feelings and his emotions, like something is holding him back, not letting him be open, or maybe the opposite was true, he was so exposed thanks to Jin, that he wants to keep something safe, just for himself.

“He keeps telling me that you are his muse.”

Kamenashi smiles, but not with his eyes, they are dead serious.

“Yes, and after he received a proposition of apprenticeship in Italy, he refused to go.”

“Why? That is such a chance, for his career and for improving his skills!”

“Jin has aerophobia. I don’t really know what happened, because he told me that he travelled abroad with his parents a lot, but now he just can’t make that step onto a plane. After he refused to go, we started living together.”

Kamenashi shrugs, sipping from his mug.

“I see.”

Tomohisa thinks about Akanishi and his behavior at the exhibition, apart from the awkward moment during the conference it seemed that person enjoyed his life and it's almost impossible to think that with just looking at him that maybe once he gave up on a dream. He looks so happy and satisfied, always holding Kamenashi’s hand, like it will show him the way forward. Anywhere. Always.

“That must be very hard time for him,” Yamashita says with sympathy.

“Not at all, I think I was more upset than he was. Jin just closed himself in his studio and made another sculpture, he calls it 'Together'.”

Yamashita remembers this bronze sculpture perfectly, the entwined fingers with a thread, that has a slightly different color and decorated those hands like a heart, very simple and very warm, like in those hands that are so connected a special bond appears, one that will never separate them.

Akanishi is really a very interesting and original person, even his way of dealing with life choices, maybe he wasn’t so upset back then, because he gained something more important, something better.

Tomohisa looks again at the fingers around the warm coffee mug; he just wonders did Kamenashi understand the meaning behind this work as well as he did?

~Kazuya~

Kazuya pushes the door of the flat open, cursing at himself for his own behavior, what was wrong with him? He suddenly made all these frank confessions to a near stranger and this Yamashita is a sneaky guy, who knows very well how to catch off guarded with all his questions.

Kazuya must admit though that he had a nice time, talking, a change of surroundings, not being alone. He looks at the door to the bedroom, still closed; so Jin is sleeping. That must be unfair from Kazuya’s side to think that way, because Jin is always near and technically he is not alone, just something strange is going on with him lately, maybe he should blame himself that he feels a bit flat, that life looks sometimes so empty, almost like a desert, maybe the memories from the days they met cloud his mind and he can’t be reasonable? Kazuya doesn’t know.

This silence is killing him, this vacuum, doesn’t let him breathe, he almost can feel how it crushes around his neck, suffocating him.

Lately talking with Jin is like talking with a stranger, someone who doesn’t speak your language, they can hear each other, but barely understand. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to move here? He can’t actually fathom it, what’s wrong with them both, when it started, he just hopes this feeling will go away and everything will return to its usual place again.

With every passing day Kazuya keep thinking about his life at University, about his life before Jin, with his big family around, with his own goals and with his own dreams. Back then it was so natural, to follow Jin and be near him, helping and using his knowledge while searching for the materials, keeping things in order and feeling Jin near, all the time, every second.

What has changed?

It’s so difficult to understand, maybe he just grew up or maybe he just feels extremely lonely, it's not that he has no friends at all, but he barely remembers talking to or seeing some of them lately, they all have their lives and career, and Kazuya just has Jin. Jin, who is too much, Jin who is different and with his incomprehensible behavior, so blunt, so honest, that he scared almost all of Kazuya’s friend away. He remembers their stares and whispers, they patted his shoulder with affection, telling him that in a world where Kazuya and Jin exist anyone else will just be unnecessary. So why after 7 years of being together is Kazuya feeling himself to be unnecessary? Or maybe is just again being so unfair to Jin, who loves him, because he did before and still does, right?

“Hey ...” The hoarse voice and the velvet eyes that are looking so tenderly at him. “Good morning.”

Kazuya looks away, answering with a sigh.

“It’s evening already.”

“I’m hungry.”

Kazuya stands up from the couch, comes closer and embraces Jin around the waist.

“Maybe we can go and have a dinner somewhere else, not at home today? What do you think? I find such a nice place nearby that could be fun?”

Jin is warm and soft, so familiar and so close, like always, like before. Jin holds him closer, looking with his special way, the one that makes all thoughts disappear, leaving only the feeling of the butterflies with their fluttering wings in his stomach, like it always was, like it is, because it’s Jin.

Kazuya sometimes can’t understand himself, when Jin is near, holding him, kissing him, how all thoughts evaporate and he could just melt in the embrace, in kisses, in feelings of euphoria, bathing in the beams of his gaze, but when the door of the studio closes behind Jin’s back all the colors change around to something gray and gloomy, cold and alien.

Jin bends closer and seals their lips, soft, tenderly, enveloping them with sensations, making Kazuya stop thinking, throwing everything that bothers him away. He feels needy and desperate, and answers the kiss deeply.

He wants to feel it again, to forget about any doubts, to forget about regrets that should never have a place in their relationship, to forget about those past dreams, that now appear in the daylight or in an empty room, when he is alone with himself, to forget about the strange warm feeling when he opens up to a total stranger, just because he feels lonely. How can he be lonely if Jin is here?

Kazuya puts his fingers in disheveled thick hair, listens to Jin’s shallow breathing after the kiss, pushes him back to the bedroom. Jin's eyes are shining in that special way, when he is waiting and giving himself wholly to Kazuya, with his body and his soul, whispering embarrassing words of love, telling him how he loves everything about his lover, playing with light-brown soft locks, touching the tender sensitive skin at Kazuya’s neck and kissing the place where just a second ago his fingers touched. Kazuya is melting, like everything is disappearing and only this voice exists, this heat and this desire that he can’t control and doesn’t want to control.

The brown velvet eyes, that are half closed, but they are still looking at him, not letting go even for a second, Kazuya knows, that Jin likes seeing him, every expression on his face, the way he bites his lower lip, trying to suppress his moans, just because, without reason. No one can hear them.

Jin’s fingers are long and slender, sometimes too rough because of his instruments that make the skin of his palm coarse, and while he is holding Kazuya’s shoulders, caressing every curve and line, slowly, sometimes gripping, sometimes stroking, sometimes it’s just too much.

Kazuya is kissing him again and again, with every caress, with every thrust, with all his love, nothing is important anymore, just the voice near his ear, the beloved person in his hands and this feeling that is filling him with warmth and light, because this is Jin, his Jin and they love each other.

They both are breathless and spent, with hands and legs entwined, without any desire to let go, Kazuya hears the soft whisper, before he falls asleep.

_“You are perfect.”_

~

When Kazuya opens his eyes he is alone in the bed and Jin is gone, the even sound from the studio tells where Jin is now, working. He falls asleep in Jin’s arms, listening to all his foolish words, without even realizing himself how those words hurt sometimes, because in the end he is alone.

“I’m not perfect, Jin. I’m not at all.”

Sometimes, in the moments when Kazuya is sitting on the big couch, just looking at TV, having everything done already, he looks at Jin’s sculptures. They are beautiful, they are amazing and just looking makes him feel a tightness in his chest, because he doesn't understand. He tries, he really tries so many times, but it seems futile for him, it’s beyond his comprehension.

What Jin is seeing when he looks at Kazuya, what kind of fantasy he created for himself, what kind of phantom, because this is not Kazuya, it can’t be him. Maybe he sometimes models for Jin’s works but he is nothing in comparison to them.

That’s not that Kazuya thinks lowly of himself, he always knew that he is attractive, but he is just an ordinary guy, who even hasn’t any serious goal in his life, he has no successful career, he hasn’t done anything special at all, nothing.

The fear that is sitting deep in Kazuya’s chest that makes him wake up during the nights in a cold sweat, that one day Jin will understand that Kazuya is not what he thinks he is, that he isn’t his ideal, he's something that he created in his dusty studio, or the product of his imaginations with all these traits, ones that Kazuya doesn’t have.

Because he doesn’t.

That hurts.

~

Kazuya decides that he can find something useful to entertain himself, while Jin is full of determination and is not leaving his studio at all, just for sleep. The plate with something tasty for him to eat is always fresh and warm, waiting there prepared and Kazuya puts everything near the door, because Jin doesn’t like to be interrupted and Kazuya doubts that even if he will open the door, the sculptor will even notice him, he will be to engrossed in his work.

Jin is not an ordinary human being, he is an artist, a person of art, he has his own rhythm of life and this fact can’t be helped.

Kazuya opens the box with a new arrived purchase, this time they are books for him, some theory and new art direction, analyses of modern art, and a few albums with reproductions. With Jin’s business that he must take care of, he absolutely forget to follow what is new in the art world, absolutely falling away from the reality of a world he once knew so well.

He adjusts the glasses on his nose and starts reading with his pencil, sometimes making remarks. He remembers how back in University, his professor told him that he can have a bright future in writing articles, researching the field he feels most interested in, because Kazuya has a special ability, from tones of information he can quickly grasp what is really important.

That's what his professor used to say, sometimes Kazuya helped with research for the writers from the Literature faculty, when they needed extra special information; it was very enjoyable and fun. He thought about travelling around the world back then, one thing is to see pictures and another to see everything with his own eyes, but he has never left Japan in his life and he doubts he ever will. The sudden sound of his ringtone startles Kazuya from his thoughts, he spends few seconds trying to understand where under all the papers his phone is located, and when he answers the voice on the other end of the line makes him freeze.

“Hello, Kazuya.”

He is silent for a moment trying to understand what could have happened that she decided to call him, she still has his phone number, it makes him feel warmer.

“Mom?”

Her voice is soft and a little bit fussy, he is sure she is fidgeting in her place while talking with him, maybe feelings as nervous as he is now.

“How are you doing, Kazuya? Is everything ok with you?”

He misses her voice and the smell of her perfume, maybe she hasn’t changed at all through the years, because as long as he remembers she has always smelled like vanilla and lemon, so homey.

“I am. I’m, absolutely. How are you?”

He wants to ask about his father, if he still hates him as much as he did or maybe after these years something has changed, but he bite his tongue, suppressing the words, because with a person such as his father nothing is changing even in years.

“I’m fine, dear. I want to wish you a Happy Birthday and I hope I’m not distracting you from something important.”

Kazuya stills, trying to think about how it's even possible that with all this strange anxiety he absolutely forget about his own birthday. Maybe because it was Jin who always remembers about that date, making little sweet surprises with a sheepish smile on his face.

“Thank you, I’m happy that you are calling me, I hope it’s ok,”

He looks at the floor feeling so shamed, he really hopes it’s ok and his father won’t be mad. On that day almost seven years ago, he father voiced out very clearly his opinion about his son’s future and about his life style, he hasn’t been in touch with them for all this years, sometimes receiving calls from his brothers, who did it behind their father's back.

“He is still mad, Kazuya.”

He swallowed, thinking how his fingers burned against Kazuya’s cheek. Jin was there too, with him, painfully honest about his feelings so that enraged his father even more.

Kazuya can’t change his past, but this call makes him incredibly happy, he hadn't realized before he heard her voice, how much he misses them all, his home, the noise, the jokes, the smiles, just everything.

“I know.”

The pause, when he can hear her breathing and maybe hesitating to ask.

“Are you still living with this man?”

Kazuya exhales.

“Yes, mom, I am. I’m living with Jin.”

The silence and he can hear how she sighs.

“I love you, dear.”

“I love you too, thank you for your wishes.”

The phone beeps as the call disconnects and Kazuya still clutches the phone in his trembling hands, feeling how the world is spinning around him and he feels lost, so lost, that he feels like crying, but he never did before and he doubts it’s so easy to make tears run from his eyes, he just can’t. Only the pain, the suffocating pain in his chest, it's like a hole that is getting bigger and bigger with every moment.

He needs Jin, just to be near him, right now, because he is desperate, because he is breaking apart.

Kazuya pushes the door in a studio, looks at Jin, who is concentrating on the piece of cold soulless marble he is working with. He hasn’t notice that the door is open and someone else is here, he is too deep in his own world, the one when there is no place for Kazuya.

Seven years is a lot and maybe they just grew apart? What is Jin seeing, looking with such affection and caressing gently the surface of this stone? Why does he forget about things that were important for him before, why does he forget about Kazuya?

The awful idea crosses Kazuya’s mind at that moment. He wonders if Jin will even notice if Kazuya will disappear, will it make any difference for him? With growing horror he understands that he doesn’t know the answer to this question.

When Kazuya writes at the words on the white paper, his hands are trembling and the letters are jumping. He takes the suitcase and closes the door with a thud, the short note resting on the table. He doubts Jin will read it at all, so what the sense of writing more.

_I’m leaving._

~Tomohisa~

Tomohisa sits on his big comfortable couch that feels like heaven after the long, endless, busy day running around the gallery like a madman, mainly due to one annoying client, who has his own opinion on everything. He tries to take of his shoes, not by bending closer, but instead just rubbing his shoes against each another, toe to heel, because he feels absolutely exhausted, physically and mentally. This man is absolutely crazy and Tomohisa doubts he will ever work with him again.

Nishikido-san looks very harmless from the beginning until he opens his mouth and decides to share with the world his special point of view on everything, starting from Tomohisa’s horrible taste in clothes and ending with the light in the gallery, that is messing with the ability to see all the subtle composition and profound sense of his pieces of art. So full of himself and of his work! His voice is still ringing in Tomohisa’s head; he seriously needs painkillers after this day.

Working with Akanishi seems like a happy holiday after this too commanding and hard-to-please painter.

Maybe the weather is also to blame for his headache, from this morning it’s been so grey outside, he can’t see the sun at all, and it’s already getting dark out in the street. Tomohisa lazily stands, and pours himself some whisky, after the day he has had, he deserves it.

He looks through the window and is little bit surprised, there is a man sitting on the bench near the entrance. He needs few seconds to recognize Kamenashi.

They saw each other a few times at the same café over the last weeks. After that first time Kamenashi hasn't told him anything personal, he's just spoken about art research that he undertook back in the University and his own preferences in Art, that surprisingly are the same as Tomohisa's. The time they spent just talking was very enjoyable, he liked how serious and passionate Kamenashi sounded talking about things that he likes. They also talked about Jin. Maybe he hasn’t even noticed himself how his voice changes when he talks about Jin, just a little, but enough for Tomohisa to notice.

Maybe he should invite them again somewhere, maybe he will call Nakamaru again, it’s obvious that they will find topics to talk about and maybe they can even make a deal of some kind. Nakamaru is a professional critic and maybe in his magazine they need a few profiles on passionate specialists. People like Kamenashi can be very useful in the publishing business, with their knowledge about the art and scholarship. It's obvious that he must feel bored if he has decided to sit alone on that bench so late in the evening, maybe he needs some fresh air, after the specific smells of Jin’s materials in their flat?

Maybe Tomohisa can invite him over, just for a some nice conversation and maybe an offer of some good wine; he has one excellent rare bottle from Spain- but – right there he mentally stops himself. He shouldn’t be too annoying and force himself into other people's company, Kamenashi seems like a reserved person, one who doesn’t like to share with others his private life and a few times spent talking at a café doesn’t really mean that they are friends now.

Tomohisa throws a last look at the lonely figure. That is strange and slightly worrying, he looks so small and vulnerable, but then he reminds himself that he is living on the 10th floor and it’s not so surprising that Kamenashi looks small.

After a warm relaxing bath and a change of clothes that feels so nice against his clean skin, Tomohisa returns to the window and sees Kamenashi sitting in the same place, alone with his shoulders hunched. He can’t see his face that is hidden behind his long hair and of course the distance between them.

He wonders why Kamenashi is alone in the street and what he is doing there, maybe he's just thinking, but can’t he think in his home or on the luxurious balcony that they have in their flat? He has no idea, but a strange feeling appears in the pit of his stomach, weird and unpleasant.

The hours pass and the street is plunged into darkness, with only a few lights that make odd shadows appear on the asphalt. Kamenashi is not sleeping, he's still sitting on that bench, he hasn’t even noticed that it is raining, it started lightly and is now pounding down on his shoulders, that look so small and fragile from the place up where Tomohisa is standing with a glass in his hand that he doesn’t feel like drinking at all anymore. He's just observing and trying to understand what is going on.

Kamenashi stands, picks up a suitcase and walks away, he doesn’t return to the building but goes out into the night. Tomohisa looks at the clock, he's spent at least 5 hours sitting on that stupid bench before he left.

Tomohisa has a sleepless night, wondering where the hell is Jin?

~

Jin is nowhere around, even when Tomohisa's secretary tries to contact him, there is no answer. It's not like Tomohisa to start worrying, but there isn't any sight of Kamenashi around and it seems like no one cares and what Jin is even thinking about?

Of course, he feels confused and when he has any free time or even during his negotiations and business meetings, Tomohisa keeps thinking about all the possibilities and possible places where Kamenashi might be, maybe he has some family and something happened and they needed him urgently, so he ran there without hesitation, if sitting on a bench for five hours can be equal to running somewhere urgently.

Tomohisa has a headache already, trying to understand what happened, because in the ideal love story that exists in his head, Kamenashi’s action doesn’t fit at all! Then he has another idea, in the love scenario that Tomohisa created for his neighbors, this could be a lovers quarrel and if you see enough love dramas (and Tomohisa doesn’t watch them at all, but his mother does, and is always asking him to just look, ‘because this moment is perfect” and Tomohisa loves everything perfect). So shortly, in every possible scenario, after the love quarrel must be a love reunion, when the hero is asking for forgiveness. So here is the same question again, where is Jin?

Tomohisa tries to contact him again, not just because of his wild imagination and sick curiosity, but because after a few months they planned to have another exhibition, one that will represent the modern art and the newcomers of the last few years, thus Tomohisa must know how many works Jin wants to show.

He looks despairingly at the pile of the files on his table, thinking that he has work and still he can’t stop thinking about the lonely figure on the bench, in the rain in the dark night. Something very wrong. Maybe he should have left his home and talked with Kamenashi that day?

Tomohisa looks at Akanishi’s contract and notices the note that was inside the file. A note from Kamenashi Kazuya and his phone number with a request to contact him if there is any questions regarding Akanishi Jin’s work, if the artist is not available due to his tendency to lose himself in his work.

Tomohisa just calls, without thinking, and listens to the slow beeps on the phone.

“Yes.” The hoarse voice that answers doesn’t belong to Kamenashi. That is Jin.

“Jin! Hello, this is Yamashita Tomohisa talking, I can’t contact you and I finally found a note in your file, and I have a question.”

He hopes he is not sounding like he is making too many excuses, because he does feel a bit uncomfortable, because lately all he thinks about is Akanishi’s boyfriend who left 3 weeks ago and he hasn’t seen him and of course it's strange, and it must be odd for Jin and this is even more confusing and…

“What question?”

He sounds calm, or maybe not? Tomohisa has no idea how Jin sounds when he is calm, but at least he is not panicking and screaming that he lost his boyfriend.

“The exhibition that we talked about earlier? I want to know how much work you can show, because you will have one hall. This exhibition will be like a fusion of the different directions of modern art and I think that could be a great chance for you and your last one was such a success.”

Tomohisa switched into professional mode, thinking how awkward Jin was at the last exhibition and now what consequences it could have for a new exhibition, maybe it's better to avoid interviews for him, because Kamenashi is not around and this is important for Jin's career. No, Tomohisa is not only thinking about the money and business all the time; he can be sensitive, when he wants to be.

“I will, I have 4 pieces ready and I think that I will create more before the exhibition.”

“That’s good. So I will wait to hear from you. Good bye.”

Jin hangs the phone up, and they haven’t discussed the part where it belongs to Kamenashi.

Just 4 works? During such a long period? Tomohisa can swear that Kamenashi told him about 10 pieces being ready at least.

Something is wrong between them, but Tomohisa is too busy to make more hypotheses right now. He sighs again, and looks at the pile of paper on the corner of his desk, that won’t disappear by itself.

~

He sees Jin a week later, all messy and sleepy, with his hair looking like someone was pulling him along forcefully by his hair and his clothes covered with all the remains from his work. It is unexpected, and for a moment Tomohisa thought that maybe someone is making capital repairs on the flat and he doesn’t know about it, and that is bad, because such a repair is against the rules, this place is peaceful and too luxurious to let workers inside in dusty clothes and stain the wonderfully detailed carpet, that was specially made for this hall.

“Hi.”

It is Jin after all.

“Good evening. Long time no see! How is your work?”

They don't shake hands, Tomohisa like his Armani and it seems Jin does care about his crumpled shirt a bit.

“It’s ok. I just have some old stuff to throw away and I decided to do it myself.”

Tomohisa looks interested in this, because this is the first time he knows of that Jin decided to do it himself, the first time at least since he moved into this place.

“I hope your work is progressing, because the time, you know, it’s flowing so fast.”

Jin is smiling, he looks thinner and paler, or maybe it’s just the dust, but he looks unwell and Tomohisa can see it clearly now. Maybe he is not alone, maybe he is not the only one who tried to understand where Kamenashi has gone?

He looks with sympathy at a person who used to be a boy with a wide clueless smile and a very strange outlook, nothing changed through the years, he is just taller and his shoulders are broader and he now looks lost and messy.

Abandoned.

Later, when Jin has closed the door of his luxurious empty flat, Tomohisa finds out that the “old stuff” that was thrown away, discarded like no one needs it anymore, like it’s not a piece of art from a talented artist, as if it was just a soulless pieces of marble and stone. Tomohisa looks at the sculptures discarded on the floor, laying there in the dirt and dust, and thinks that this is a crime. Maybe for Jin they are painful memories that he doesn’t want to see anymore, maybe he is just unsatisfied in his work, Tomohisa has no idea, but as a person who values and loves art, who understands the price that the artist paid to make it, all the sweat and effort and feeling; he can’t leave it like this.

He arranges for them to be carried to his flat, and very carefully cleaned.

Tomohisa understands why only 4 works are ready, because the other six are sitting on his table now and they are ruined, with cruel hits from an artist’s hand, ruined beyond repair and it’s obvious they can’t be saved, maybe their place is really at the dumped at the bottom of a trash can. Tomohisa, with the eye of a specialist, can see what they could be, and it’s beautiful and it’s like they never happened now. He will order them to be removed, if Akanishi made this decision, maybe he must respect it.

Yet the last one. It’s beautiful and maybe not so perfect in its implementation, it seems this sculpture is one of the earliest works of the artist. A little bit clumsy, naïve and very lovely, the hands with a heart held in them, like someone is giving it, giving himself without restraint, trying to speak through the piece of marble.

For a moment Tomohisa feels his emotions overflowing, like waves, so unlike him, to be so emotionally touched by the art, maybe the reason is that he knows so well the story behind this work and the ending, that is so heartbreaking.

Tomohisa doesn’t know the title of this sculpture, but the only word that is spinning in his head now fits perfectly.

It looks like a _Confession_.

He hopes this is not the end.

Not now. And not like this.

~

The whisky bottle is almost empty now and Tomohisa considered sliding onto the floor where is Jin located, because it looks like the floor is more comfortable than the couch. They have seen each other in the hall a few times, mainly because Jin needs to eat and go out for groceries, but after Tomohisa told him that he can order something and have it delivered, this made the artist so happy that he closed himself in his flat for few weeks more.

Maybe that is because he looks miserable and abandoned, like a kicked puppy, but in fact he still has a home while Yamashita has no idea where Kamenashi disappeared to and it seems Jin is also clueless.

He invites his high-school friend who didn’t even recognize him when they met each other after few years over for dinner, they get drunk and it somehow feels like a high-school party again, even if they never got drunk back then.

Jin notices the sculpture, the one that he threw away and Yamashita rescued, placed there on the table. He isn’t even surprised, like it’s not even a big deal and maybe the owner of the building is digging in the garbage all the time looking for discarded art treasures ...

“It hurts. To look at this, it hurts.”

Tomohisa isn’t sure exactly what Jin means. Why? Maybe some painful memories, because Kamenashi left him? He doesn’t hesitate to ask, because Jin doesn’t care about the concept of being polite and not invading someone else's space, or sticking his nose somewhere it doesn't belong.

“Why?”

“Because. I broke my promise, because I said that I will be always near him, and I wasn’t.”

Tomohisa is silent, he really has no idea what to say, what to add, Jin knows better than anyone what he did wrong.

“That’s why it hurts.”

He looks at Jin, who takes out a rumpled note from his pocket. Can it be a note that Kamenashi left for him, maybe giving him some explanations?

“What did he write?”

“That he is leaving.” Jin’s voice is hushed, Tomohisa swallows, looking sympathetically at a man who clings to the paper note like his life depends on it.

“Why?” Tomohisa asks, it feels like he needs to know, because he never saw this coming and he doesn’t like not understanding, because the part of his heart that is full of romantic rubbish is screaming with questions.

Jin doesn’t hesitate, his eyes are clear, despite the fact that he is drunk.

“Because I’m not perfect.”

~

When people want time to pass, and are counting every second, time moves painfully slowly, but when Tomohisa has too much work to even sit still for a few minutes, he thinks time is flying very fast.

The preparations for the exhibition are in full swing, but he is not completely sure it will have as big an impact as he wants. His inbox is almost screaming from all the RSVPs from friends who want to be there, the people from the college; his gallery is big, but not that huge, thus he had to make it fairly exclusive and only let in people with a special VIP invitation. All the fuss, the media, the indignation of the people who can’t get in Tomohisa knows that some people are offended, but he is satisfied and pleased with how the event is turning out. He has worked hard to build his reputation and the gallery and now people are almost dying to get onto the invite list. His gallery is in demand, isn’t that a reason to be in a good mood?

He has one last envelope in his hands, and he is going to give it to one important person; having a well-respected critic at the event with a nice written article after is always a bonus, and Tomohisa likes Nakamaru for his fairness and impartiality. He loves art and beauty and doesn't feel any hesitation about expressing it.

That is the first time that Tomohisa has actually visited Nakamaru at the publishing house, but he has no desire to leave this important mission to his secretary and he is a little curious to see Nakamaru-san at work. The man is always so collected and serious, never lets himself say anything or do anything inappropriate. People just can’t be so upright and proper in everything, maybe he has some weird hobby, like collecting pink butterflies at his working desk? Tomohisa is disappointed when Nakamaru meets him with a polite smile, and adjusts the hideous glasses sitting on his nose as he stands up to shake hands with him.

Tomohisa hopes he will find the time to attend the exhibition and he will be happy to see him there with his lovely wife. Nakamaru says it will be his pleasure, and jokingly says he will wear the red tie with little balls on it.

He is ready to leave, when a man enters the office, and stops him in his tracks.

It is Kamenashi.

He looks almost the same, busy, rushing somewhere, with a stack of papers in his hands. He's wearing brand new glasses, his hair is longer and is now in a neat ponytail, he looks good - and he has just noticed Tomohisa.

“Kamenashi-san, long time no see! How are you doing?”

Tomohisa sounds very official and he feels slightly nervous, maybe because over the last few months he has spent a lot of time listening to a drunk artist pouring his soul out to him and he feels too invested in everything that surrounds these two.

Kamenashi smiles brightly and shakes his hand.

“I’m fine, it's such a surprise to see you here.”

“I can say the same.”

They head to the cafeteria in the publishing house, and Kamenashi orders tea. This place is fancy, and serves the tea in delicate china cups, and Kamenashi looks very natural with the china in his hands.

“How is your work?” he asks politely and Tomohisa answers.

“It's killing me lately.”

Kamenashi chuckles, with a knowing look, he understands it perfectly and Tomohisa wants to ask the same, but something is stopping him, maybe after spending too much time talking with Jin and not trying to be polite or having to watch his words, now he is scared he will say something too blunt. Jin’s way of talking and his crazy outlook are just too contagious.

Maybe not for Kamenashi, maybe he has some immunity, because he still has this unreadable expression behind this polite smile.

“What about you? The publishing? That must be something interesting?”

He asks the question, thinking that after this guy spent years just talking care of one artist and looking after his papers and bills day after day, anything else will look interesting.

“Very interesting, I’m currently just a consultant, I'm helping with a new writer who is writing their second book. Their debut book became a bestseller immediately, he is writing a new one, and he needs some art consultation.”

“Newcomer? I think we have something in common in our jobs?” They laugh and Kamenashi looks relaxed, while Tomohisa is not at all. “And what is his book about?”

“His name is Kato Shigeaki. The first one was a little autobiographical and he decide to challenge himself more with this second one, and write a novel about a sculptor, someone who tries to achieve his dreams.”

“Is that also someone’s biography?”

Kamenashi is smiling again, but this time only with his lips that look exactly like the sculpture in Tomohisa’s bedroom, and not with those eyes at all.

“No, it takes a place in Italy, during the Renaissance.”

“Oh, I see.”

Kamenashi glances at his watch.

“I have to go already, but it was really nice to meet you today.”

Was it so nice? Tomohisa doesn’t understand this guy at all, what he is feeling, what he is thinking. He is all closed up, like he put the heavy lock on his emotions, absolutely refusing to share with anyone or anything. After the bottle of whisky on that rainy evening, Akanishi told him about some of their moments, pouring his soul out in his messy, weird ways, and that left Yamashita puzzled and he needed time to make all the information in his head clear and put it in order.

This story can’t finish like this and not even Kamenashi with this polite expression and unreadable eyes and every gesture that tries to tell him that he is perfectly ok, with his new job, with his brand new glasses and some writer, not even the job talking about the Renaissance can make him believe it. That can’t be ok, Tomohisa is not agreeing with it.

“Kamenashi-san, very soon in my gallery there will be an exhibition. It’s closed to the public, and will be very interesting. I dedicated it to the modern art and all the ways it can be represented, I will be very happy if you can find a time for it.”

He sees the hesitation in the man’s eyes and he adds, “Nakamaru-san will be there also and I understand you are working in his department.”

“I will come, thank you.”

“I will send the invitation to your work place.”

Kamenashi says goodbye and leaves without even once looking back, his back straight and unshakable, so different form the last time, when he saw him, soaked from the heavy rain, alone at the bench.

Kamenashi is different and Tomohisa is doubly curious now.

~Kazuya~

Kazuya looks at the big window without blinking, he's already lost track of the time, just staring and staring, not really seeing anything. He can’t see the sky outside, the one that is blue with bright sunshine, he can’t see the different shapes and forms of the snowflakes that like a million crystals are painting the street in innocent white, he can’t see the people walking down the streets, trying to protect themselves from the cold wind while they rush somewhere because they are busy, or because someone is waiting for them, someone who is feeling lonely without their presence.

Kazuya can see only Jin now, can only think about how he is living now, wonder if he is healthy and takes care of himself or if he is just living like he always did, before Kazuya who surrounded him with his care. Suddenly it’s so hard to swallow and this strange feeling like something heavy is sitting on his chest appears and Kazuya can’t breathe for a second.

Yamashita's surprise visit has upset him, and all the storm of emotions that he has tried to tame during the past months, all the doubt that he thought he left in his past, everything is now here, awake, making him shaky and uncertain, because he asks himself again, if he was right, if it wasn’t just a stupid mistake?

He has no answers, he just doesn’t know, he has no one to ask, no one to blame. It was his decision, there is only himself to blame.

“Kamenashi-san?”

Kazuya looks up at the person who has entered the office.

“Yes?”

“Is everything ok? I’ve been standing here for few minutes already and you haven't paid any attention to my presence. It's making me start worrying about you?”

The smile appears on the writer's attractive face, and he tilts his head, with a concerned look. 

“I’m fine, perfectly fine.” Kazuya shakes his head hastily, like he is trying to send away all the unnecessary thoughts, the ones that are too difficult for him to handle right now, he will think about it later, about Yamashita with his strange look, like he knows everything, like he can see right through Kazuya, about Jin who is too far away, who didn’t call even once, who doesn’t need him.

“So, maybe I can make a proposition that you just can’t refuse? What about lunch?”

Kazuya just nods with a small smile as he realises that he hasn’t eaten anything for the whole day.

The same cafeteria where he sit with Yamashita only a few hours before, Kato-san is talking about a new idea for the next chapter, a sudden idea that he is dying to share with Kazuya.

Kato-san is a nice person, no, Shige, he prefers it when Kazuya calls him that, because they are the same age and are working closely together for his next book.

He is very talented and has this energy that is boiling inside him, charging all people around him with his enthusiasm. Shige is a person who has a dream, and he is giving all of himself to achieve it.

“Writing is everything for me and someday, I would like to win the Naoki Prize.” Shige said this to Kazuya when Nakamaru introduced them, and Kazuya believes that one day he will win it. The passion and erudition he shows, this man has something to be admired and Kazuya feels happy that he can help him in his research, and even sometimes comfort the young writer, when he falls prey to bouts of writer's block after his sudden rise to fame.

“I want to challenge myself,” he said when he asked Kazuya to assist him. Shige has no special knowledge of art and the Renaissance époque is foreign for him, but the idea for a novel is boiling in his head and Shige can’t back away, he is not that kind of person.

Listening now to the novel writer’s speech, Kazuya admits to himself, that he likes his job a lot. During these months, his life has changed, everything is different now, he has something for himself only, that belongs solely to him, he has friends, he has colleagues, he even has a small room, where all his books and clothes are in a perfect order. The only thing is; he doesn’t have Jin anymore.

Wandering the streets of the Tokyo alone in the night, in the rain, feeling so lonely and full of this bitter feeling that makes him angry at the same time.

Five hours!

He gave five hours to Jin, five hours to come outside and ask him to return, but Jin didn’t. He felt so unwanted and miserable, and his anger grew, as he blamed Jin and the whole world. When he realized that he had forgotten his phone, it was already too late. He couldn’t return, just never, not even when he feels himself to be a little stupid, because the whole idea of leaving wasn’t so attractive as before.

And who could he phone anyway? His parent or brothers? To listen the tirade about how they were right and how he ruined his life with “that” guy, because they never bothered themselves with calling Jin by his name. He can call Yamashita, maybe, he seems like a nice guy, but that smile and his staring slightly freaked Kazuya out and he didn’t want unnecessary questions at all.

Kazuya wandered the streets praying that the only person who maybe wouldn’t ask too much, (maybe not now, but later, later when he had more answers for himself) was still living in the same place. He felt so relieved when he saw the familiar name at the doorplate and after hesitation, feeling cold and tired, physically and mentally drained due to all these emotions, he knocked.

Koki was shocked, and Kazuya couldn't blame him, it’s not every day you see your childhood friend on your doorstep, soaked from head to toe and looking so pathetic. Not after five years of silence, because Kazuya was too busy _being_ with Jin, because Koki understood that.

He smiled sheepishly, and greeted Koki quietly, trying to look more like a civilized person who lives respectfully in society and Koki smacked him on the head with an embarrassed smile, but with his eyes were full of concern. He didn’t ask anything, he just gave Kazuya a towel and his spare room, because “ no one is living here and Kazuya must stay because they haven’t seen each other for too long”. Maybe he just understood that Kazuya has nowhere else to go? He declined the offer of dinner and fell asleep on the couch, with Koki in the same room. Kazuya didn’t want to be alone.

The Solitude. Not anymore.

~

Kazuya has had enough time to think, to understand what happened to him during these years, what he did with his life, because in reality he has no one to blame. All the decisions, they always were his, Jin never pushed him or oppressed him. Kazuya was happy to do it, to give himself, to take care of and arrange their lives around Jin, to make his own life revolve around Jin, he felt happy taking care of him and being near.

So the question that bothers him the most is: When? When did everything become different, when did it stop being enough, when did the doubts and regrets appear?

When Jin called him his muse, again and again, repeating how perfect and unique he is? No, because Jin always was like that.

So _when_ Kazuya came to this point, when he realised that he had lost himself, that he looks in the mirror and doesn't understand who he is, when he wonders what is so perfect and unique about him, when he has no dreams, no goals, no achievements, nothing? He has nothing in him.

Maybe it’s time to change something, to make all the mess in his head clear, to try and have a life, his own life?

Koki listens carefully, nodding at Kazuya’s words and proposing to help, because maybe Kazuya really doesn’t know what he wants himself.

“Are you really gay?” Koki asks suddenly.

“What? I wasn’t talking about that part, you idiot. Of course I am!” Kazuya says with indignation, because Koki is not helping with that question, he is only messing everything up even more.

“Why are you so sure? Have you even been attracted to anyone else?” Koki asks nonchalantly, brushing away all Kazuya’s arguments, because for him they are invalid.

“I spent 7 years with a man, of course I’m sure!” Kazuya waves his hands, like there is no need for any other proof.

“He was just your first love, acting so weird and talking such nonsense, and I really have no idea what you found attractive in him, he looked insane with his dumb smile ...”

“He is not dumb! He is an artist and has his own outlook and vision.” Kazuya can’t help himself, he defends Jin, because he always did it, because this is true and Koki is not right at all.

“Whatever. We must check if you are gay or not.”

“You have nothing else to do or you find it entertaining?”

“You have another proposition? You have been sitting in this room for two weeks already and I’m trying to make you leave it and have fun, just once.”

Koki raises an eyebrow and Kazuya doesn't really understand the connection between his sexual orientation and Koki’s intention to go out this evening. He still feels puzzled, right up until they enter a gay bar in Shinjuku Ni-chōme, where Koki says hello to everyone with a wide smile and hand shakes.

Kazuya sits at a table in the corner with a cocktail, and tries to be as invisible as he can, because if this is the way to verify his gayness he is no sure he wants to.

He doesn’t like places that are so noisy, with a dim light and with so many eyes on him, maybe not so crowded and maybe this is his paranoia or he can blame this too tight shirt that Koki made him wear, but he is unconformable. He wants to go home, but it seems that Koki is enjoying himself to the fullest.

Kazuya subtly watches the other people in the bar, there is a guy with very nice hair, but his shirt looks horrible, he must do something with his style; another one has really wonderful shoulders and it suddenly spoils Kazuya’s mood because something in his wild hair reminds him of Jin.

Hopeless.

The man at the table in the corner has a hideous tie, so hideous that it makes Kazuya flinch and look at who is the owner of this disaster. That was a shock; but sometimes places like this can prepare absolutely unexpected surprises. Nakamaru-san is sitting at the table, wearing that tie and talking with another man, who is very attractive and has a butterfly tattoo on his neck. A moment later and Nakamaru-san and Kazuya’s eyes meet. That was awkward, because all the memories about the nice evening in the restaurant with lovely Mariko-san and her husband who talked so nicely and modestly surface, and now everything seems really fake. It's not hard to understand that Nakamaru-san is feeling uncomfortable under the weight of Kazuya’s gaze.

The cocktail in Kazuya’s hands is full, and he sips trying to look in another direction, and finds Koki is talking and gesturing loudly, but he is too far away for Kazuya to understand.

Who is Kazuya to judge anyone anyway, he doubts that he has any right for it, every person has his own circumstances and who knows how Kazuya’s life would go if he had never met Jin. This idea sounds so wrong to him, no matter what happened between them, he never has regretted having Jin in his life, not even for a second.

Kazuya couldn’t really explain why he did it in that very moment, but it felt like the only right thing to do. He crossed the bar and approached Nakamaru-san’s table, the amber haired man with the butterfly tattoo left with a bow, saying good bye to Nakamaru and asking him to call later when he will have time.

“Good evening, Nakamaru-san,” Kazuya says politely, sitting in the empty chair, and not really knowing how to act and what to say.

“Good evening, are you alone here?” Nakamaru-san asks looking around, Kazuya supposes he is searching for Jin.

“I’m with my friend, he decided to distract me like this.”

“Oh, I see.”

Kazuya sighs, it was easy to read the man and his sympathetic expression is clear, like it’s not a big deal to look for distraction in a gay bar when you have just left your boyfriend.

“I’m sorry to hear it, you are .. were ... a lovely couple.”

Kazuya recognize the strange notes in his voice, “lovely”, because they never hid their relationship, because they loved each other openly.

“It’s complicated.”

Later when Kazuya sits in his room in Koki’s flat, it is difficult for him to understand why he felt it was so easy to share things with Nakamaru, an almost stranger, to talk about his life, about his dreams, about his regrets. He listened to the other man, who told him about his strict father, who was a police officer and his wife, who is really lovely and about his friends, he never was able to find enough courage in himself, the sad smile on his lips tells Kazuya, and he doubts he ever will.

Kazuya thinks about his own family, about his father and about Jin, who always was near, listening to the harsh words, staying beside him, so that he can feel that he is not alone, he could find some courage in Jin, enough to be brave himself.

Maybe that was why it was easy for them to talk, because the curtain was raised and they can be comrades in their own misery, comforting and understanding each other. Kazuya knows that if tomorrow they will meet again, they will greet each other with a polite bow and maybe make small talk about the art and weather. Nothing more than that.

When the night is almost over and the sun is so close to rising and painting the sky in soft pink velvet hues, they exchange phone numbers, and it's good that Koki gave his old phone to Kazuya, and they say good bye, feeling better after sharing their pain.

~

The call from Nakamaru-san that comes a few days later was absolutely unexpected and Kazuya really has no idea what to say to that proposition.

“We need a good consultant and I think you are competent enough. I have a friend who will be very grateful for your assistance.”

The job, the one that Kazuya will like, the one he needs, because he has no money and even if Koki is not complaining about his presence, he can't stay there forever. He would be independent and his dream will come true, but something held him back, maybe the strangest fear, because this is it, the turning point, where his life is really changing, absolutely and he was little bit frightened to make the step.

“Just go and don’t think too much. I think your own curse is that you are always thinking too much, you are too deep in self-absorbing consideration and all that shit.” Koki said it with a serious face while he washed the dishes, and Kazuya smacked him on the head, because he is not like that at all! Maybe just a little bit.

That was how Kazuya found a job and met the novel writer Kato Shigeaki.

His life was good and almost enjoyable, until Yamashita’s figure showed on the horizon with all the unnecessary feelings and yearning that grew in Kazuya’s heart, because he never even for a second could forget about Jin and with every new day he realize that he doesn’t want it.

The silence from Jin’s side is killing him, because it’s just another proof, that nothing will be the same again, that maybe everything is over and is broken beyond repair.

“I read the book, the one that you recommended to me the other day, it was very interesting and useful for my research, all the terminology and working moments.” Shige sits at the corner of Kazuya’s table with a mug of hot herbal tea in his hand, it always helps him to relax and find the inspiration. Every artist has their own quirks.

“I’m glad to know it.” Suddenly Shige furrows his eyebrow and Kazuya prepares to hear another question, the working process for this novel writer contains a lot of talking, him asking and Kazuya answering, not that he opposes it.

“I don’t fully understand how to write the moment when the sculptor finds the inspiration. My hero is surrounded by beauty and I don’t really know what can be strong enough to inspire him.”

“I think it is rather individual. You tell me. As a writer what inspires you the most?” Kazuya gives a counter question.

“After talking with you, I have a lot of ideas for my novel and your book recommendations help me a lot.” Shige smiles openly, and that makes Kazuya chuckle, because this man is really something, he says what he thinks and has opinions for everything.

“I feel flattered, but what about your first book then?”

“I don’t really know myself. Can it be everything and almost nothing in the same time, yet somehow the artist who is working with a blank stone, carefully hollowing the cold surface, how does he knows what it will look like? I have the paper and I’m working with words, but I’m trying to understand my sculptor.”

“Maybe the Muse.” Kazuya says thinking about _his_ sculptor.

“The Muse, something that gives such a strong emotion that you feel like creating and can’t breathe freely until you fulfill the idea in your head?” Shige says thoughtfully. “That can be almost everything, like the sky, the melody, the person.”

“Yes, that can be a person, someone who is not perfect at all, but the artist keeps thinking that this person is perfect and not seeing the flaws and shortcomings, it's like something blinds him.” Kazuya says it aloud, and only after realizes how bitter and too personal his words sound, he just hopes Shige doesn’t notice it, but the writer starts laughing.

Kazuya looks at him in astonishment.

“This is love you are talking about, to accept the person and see the perfection in the one you are loving, this is not about the art or inspiration! That is just love.” He smiles and winks at Kazuya. “I have no idea you are such a romantic, Kazuya, you are sometimes full of surprises! ” He says it with a laugh, and accidently spills some tea and pushes away all the pencils from Kazuya’s table. Picking them up from the floor saves him from answering.

Kazuya has nothing to say, what is so obvious for Shige always was a riddle for him, maybe it was the same with Jin. The truth that exists only in Jin’s eyes is absolutely unreachable for Kazuya. Maybe he made a mistake? Maybe he should talk with Jin first. Too many “maybes” and the reality, where he is alone, without Jin by his side, who doesn’t show any desire to change this fact.

The invitation to the exhibition with his name on it waits for Kazuya the next morning, Yamashita always keeps his word.

~

The tall waiter in a perfect white shirt offers Kazuya a Champagne glass the minute he enters the gallery. He throws a brief look at the big mirror in a luxurious frame on the wall, still feeling nervous, because Jin will be here and they will meet each other.

After the months of silence and after Kazuya left him only have written that stupid pointless note, he can’t explain to himself why he didn’t write something more rich in content, maybe Jin didn’t understand what he meant? This idea is absolutely absurd, because of course Jin understands him perfectly and he just doesn’t want to see Kazuya’s face, who after seven years didn’t bother to even say goodbye personally. Still it was Jin who forgot about his birthday and acted unacceptably.

Kazuya tries to calm himself and the mess in his head, and licks his lips nervously. The exhibition is amazing and Kazuya meets a few people from the publishing world, Nakamaru-san is there with his lovely wife, who has no idea about another lovely man with a butterfly tattoo, not like that is any of Kazuya’s business.

For a second Kazuya stands still when another idea comes into his head, what if Jin isn't alone here? What if he has already found another muse and will stand there smiling happily and blabbering on about his new undying love, the thought and the images in Kazuya’s head make him so incredibly angry that he finishes his champagne in one go, and takes another one from a waiter in a crisp white shirt.

He looks at the hall with paintings, the name is new and not familiar to Kazuya, but the works are fierce and dark and incredible by the intense feelings that they give. Nishikido Ryo, there is something very deep and dark, Kazuya can see it in his works, the colors, and the ideas. He doubts that he want to meet this artist in person, his works are frightening enough by their content, but the one that is in the middle is different, soft and gentle and sad at the same time, the dark eyes of the woman that is looking at you are so beautiful and alive. This painting is wonderful and after some careful thinking Kazuya decides, that maybe with a better lighting system, these works would not look so scary and dark.

Maybe Kazuya made a mistake and he shouldn’t have come today, maybe he should just live his new life on his own, because he left, because he had reasons, or he thought back then that he did; now everything is confusing again.

One thing is certain, Kazuya wants to see Jin, maybe for the last time, maybe from afar, he must be sure, that everything is ok, that Jin is ok. That's what he keeps telling himself, feeling like a total hypocrite.

Kazuya steps into the next hall and finds the sculptures, and he feels so nervous and vulnerable, because if he sees someone else in Jin’s works he doubts he will survive it, he can’t, that's just impossible. He is selfish and he knows it, but Kazuya can’t help himself. Jin thought he was perfect, how could someone so selfish and full of fears be perfect? Never.

Few of these works are familiar to Kazuya, some he has already seen, they are like Jin, simple and deep, beautiful and strange, can’t leave you indifferent, commanding all your attention.

He examines the new pieces, that he has never seen before, feeling a lump grow in his throat, because he doesn’t need the titles to understand them, he doesn’t need the descriptions or anything, because Jin is talking to him, because nothing has changed, nothing, because Kazuya was so stupid and self-centered, because he can feel only his own pain. He wants to see Jin, right now and right here. With frustration he looks around, and doesn't find any traces of the artist.

Where is he when Kazuya needs him the most?

He stands near the last work in Jin’s collection; it is something new, a new material, new colors, the new Jin, it's made in glass and very fragile, almost translucent in its beauty and the content that the artist has put in this work. He wants to touch it, but holds himself back, because it looks like it can be destroyed so easily, but Kazuya knows that this impression is deceptive, because Jin prefers very stable materials, he makes his work, durable, constant and unshakable.

This sculpture is very touching. So simple and so deep, just like a heart that will beat forever, just for him. “Eternal.”

Kazuya feels like running to find Jin immediately and to throw in his face everything he is thinking about this absolutely crazy man, and after he will kiss him, because he has missed Jin, too much.

“Are you leaving already?” 

The sudden voice nearby startles him, and Kazuya turns to see Yamashita. What does he mean by that look? He doesn’t have his usual smile plastered on, more than anything he looks displeased.

“I am.”

“You don’t even want to talk with Jin?!” Yamashita can’t hide the indignation in his voice.

“I don’t see him here, so maybe he has already left, Jin feels uncomfortable in places like this …” Kazuya freezes when he realizes what he wants to say at the end of that sentence.

“Uncomfortable without you, right? And you knew it and still, I don’t understand you, I don’t understand you at all. Is that so easy for you? Just tell me, is that normal for you to throw everything away and have a brand new life? For you to be reborn, have your very own solo renaissance, while Jin is so desperate and lonely? I don’t understand you?!”

There is something touching in Yamashita's righteous anger, so much that Kazuya can’t help himself, and needs to tease the man.

“I wonder why is it normal for you to stick your nose into my business, somewhere it absolutely does not belong?” Kazuya raises an eyebrow, with a questioning look.

“I’m the owner of the gallery. I feel invested.” He says it calmly, while looking around and checking that no one else heard the strange outburst from the cool and composed Yamashita Tomohisa.

“So maybe you will tell me then. Where I can find Jin?”

“He is smoking out on the balcony, the door on the right behind the curtains.”

“Thank you.”

~

Jin is here, right in front of his eyes, with snowflakes stuck in his hair that is tied back in a ponytail now. His hair is longer now and Jin is looking thinner.

It seems like he can feel someone is looking at him, he turns around slowly, like in those silly old romantic movies or maybe it’s only for Kazuya that everything is happening in slow motion, because he missed him, so much, missed everything about him. He wants to know everything, about his days, his mornings, his evenings and his nights, about every moment while they were apart, because Kazuya was so stupid and only now when he is looking at Jin does he understand, and perfectly, that it was him at fault, only Kazuya.

When had he become so blind to Jin’s feelings, to Jin’s words, because everything is so obvious now in those dark eyes, in the dark circles under his eyes, in the pale face.

Kazuya wanted to know that Jin was suffering without him, that thought made him feel better in the moments when he couldn’t fall asleep, thinking about the time they spent together. Now, seeing the traces of Jin’s loneliness and sufferings, Kazuya feels so guilty, so very guilty and it hurts, because Jin like this is heartbreaking, because Kazuya wants him to smile and to be happy, because no matter what he loves him, always did and always will, because the career and the other world means nothing, because a lot of years ago it was his choice and he will do it again and again, without any hesitation.

“Kazuya?” his voice is hoarse and the smile is shy, like he is not sure if it’s for real, so disarming, and so childish, like Kazuya will run away any second.

“Why haven’t you called me even once?!” Kazuya clenches his fist, almost painfully, observing how Jin looks down at the ground, at his own feet, so like Jin, so irritating.

“You left your phone.”

“So what? You should just try and find me!” His voice sounds firm, while he is breaking apart inside, watching this impossible man, who will never call for him and he doesn’t need his words now to know why, because it’s Jin and they can always understand each other without words, even if for a moment Kazuya lost himself, in his own pathetic thoughts and confusion, lost his way, and his path, and it was so useless and futile.

“I thought you didn't want me to find you.” Jin takes a step, the snowflakes are falling and his nose is red, because it’s cold and Jin only has a shirt, no jacket, and he looks good, except not that shirt with those shoes … Kazuya takes a deep breath.

“So that’s great, you decided just to be alone for your whole life, lonely and full of such depressed emotions that you will hollow out the poor marble and then make only fragile sculptures with eternal promises?!”

Jin brushes the snowflakes from Kazuya hair, his eyes are shining with the tenderness that always was there, waiting for Kazuya, welcoming him.

“I missed you,” he says softly and Kazuya echoes his words.

“I missed you too.”

“I love you, Kazuya.”

Kazuya’s words are like an echo, the reflection of the same feelings, of the same thoughts, of the same pain and yearning.

“I love you too.”

Kazuya caresses gently Jin’s cheek, his skin cold and wet from the snow, pushing his fingers into a messy ponytail and searching for those lips, that are craving for the same, after waiting for so long, just too feel the familiar warmth.

“Don’t ever leave me again.”

The whisper and Kazuya wraps his arms around the person he loves so much, embracing him and answering him in a whisper for only the two of them to hear.

“I won’t, never.”

It’s snowing, and behind the door and thin curtain a lot of people are observing the masterpieces, the ones that belong to a different artist, and they are absolutely oblivious to the two men on the balcony, who are still kissing with snowflakes falling about them. The two of them are in the world that they created for each other, where they exist only two people are really important: Kazuya and Jin and they are happy.

~Tomohisa~

Yamashita Tomohisa is a man who cares about his reputation, but looking through the glass door at the lovers reunion, he feels strangely touched and too emotionally invested, but now he knows, that this is the right way, this is exactly how things must be; and if someone by accident notices the pair on the balcony, well a little scandal never gave any harm to an art gallery, and any publicity is good publicity, if you don’t know.

He feels little bit embarrassed by his earlier outburst and the words he threw at Kamenashi, but he doesn’t regret it at all. In war, all means are good, well not really, and not saying that this is a war, but for love people should fight for it, especially for such a deep and strong feeling, one that connect them too and Tomohisa cannot not be involved.

Life in their building returns to the usual order, Kamenashi still is very busy, always rushing somewhere with his papers, but now he also has his work talking about the Renaissance, sometimes he stops by to tease Tomohisa, and later Tomohisa must admit, he does that perfectly. Sometimes they come over for dinner or even invite him for a nice evening together with a nice bottle of wine, because Kamenashi has a nice wine collection.

The gallery is prospering with new artists that are happy to be discovered by Tomohisa and the exhibitions that make a good name for the owner.

Tomohisa is enjoying his life, his work and just about every minute, but he must admit, that after his neighbors are living in an almost idyllic romantic relationship, he sometimes feels bored.

It even moves him to fight with Nishikido-san about the lighting for the exhibitions sometimes. After one of their now usual heated discussions about the color of the curtains near Nishikido-san’s painting, Tomohisa is walking around the gallery, looking around and checking the atmosphere, when he notices a man near Akansihi’s pieces.

“I just don’t understand.” He hears the man repeating it to himself.

“Maybe I can help you?” Tomohisa offers politely with his best smile, observing the attractive man.

“I’m trying to understand. What does this sculpture mean? I don’t … I can't see what it means ..” He sighs deeply, looking so hopeless, that Tomohisa feels sorry for him.

The last item in the new Akanishi exhibition is very memorable, after a long time being separated from his Muse, he felt doubly inspired and enjoyed imprinting the different sides of his muse into the marble, sometimes using a new method, sometimes being very naturalistic and always shameless with his titles and with the contents of his pieces.

“Aphrodisiac.” With all the curves and lines that remind the viewer of a suspiciously interesting part of the body, and it was different when you knew the particular person, one that Tomohisa meets regularly at his home, who is always busy and has those sneaky jokes …

The man is still waiting for him to reply.

“I think this is an embodiment of one of the sculptor’s fantasies. The influence of the Muse is what gave him the inspiration.”

Tomohisa can be proud of himself; he made it sound almost innocent. The man looks impressed, that is nice also.

“You know so much about the inspiration and the sculpture, I am almost jealous because for me it just looks like someone’s back and nothing else and I wonder why a sculptor decides to make it like that. Of everything to choose from, why choose that?”

It's a fair question, if only this back wasn’t so tempting, and not just to Tomohisa because so many visitors to the gallery adore this sculpture and already he has received many offers for this piece, but Akanishi refuses to sell it.

“I think this is a special trait of modern art and the specific outlook of the artist, who is … different.”

“Yes, I guess.” The stranger nods, and then smiles as he takes out a business card. “I forget to introduce myself, my name is Kato Shigeaki. I’m a writer.”

They exchange cards.

“Yamashita Tomohisa, I’m the owner of this gallery. So, Shigeaki-san, are you writing about modern art?”

“No, I prefer the Renaissance epoch. Kamenashi-san recommended that I visit this gallery, he said it could help me to understand how inspiration works for sculptures.”

“I see. I think I can help you with that. I am rather well acquainted with how a sculptor needs his Muse to find inspiration.”

Tomohisa says it with a charming smile, and invites his new friend to have lunch, where they can talk about artists and their muses. Tomohisa thinks that he will have a nice meal and maybe life will not be so boring after all.

Kato Shigeaki.

Very interesting.

Maybe … just maybe it wasn't only sculptors that needed a Muse for inspiration. Could novelists use a Muse as well?


End file.
